February 2012
70 posts
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Bill Hicks - People Who Hate People
Ugh. Feeling highly irritable and fucking hostile.
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The Inevitable F-Bomb
In four days time I will be forty years old. Forty. In reality, I’ll only be four days older than I am now. But it bothers me, it has ever since I turned thirty-nine. My mental checklist of achievement and status razzes me, thought I’d be married with my own family by now. Not necessarily because I want that, it was just the blueprint I was sold as a kid. Hell, I don’t even like...
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“We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us.”
– François Rabelais
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She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart
I saw Drive last night for the first time. Loved it. Maybe it’s just my twisted sense of romance but I thought it was beautiful (despite the intense violence).
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Autumn Within
It is autumn; not without But within me is the cold. Youth and spring are all about; It is I that have grown old. Birds are darting through the air, Singing, building without rest; Life is stirring everywhere, Save within my lonely breast. There is silence: the dead leaves Fall and rustle and are still; Beats no flail upon the sheaves, Comes no murmur from the mill. By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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The Distillers - For Tonight You’re Only...
Howl
I feel numb enough to get by. All ill will is being poured into my hate and anger, bolstering my strength. At best I feel invulnerable, at worst I feel disconnected. Better this way than the alternative. I hoped to be more lucid than this but I can barely keep my eyes open. What is it about Friday evening that makes me want to fall asleep? Friday used to be the night for howling at the moon. Guess...
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“Vice is its own reward.”
– Quentin Crisp
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“Vices are their own punishment.”
– Aesop
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Cut
This puzzle of flesh no longer satisfies me. I fight for truth from behind requisite lies. The cost is too high. Jagged smiles and hollow words condemn me. I think more and more about the cut and less and less about the consequences.
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Why Did I Laugh Tonight? No Voice Will Tell
Why did I laugh tonight? No voice will tell: No God, no Demon of severe response, Deigns to reply from Heaven or from Hell. Then to my human heart I turn at once. Heart! Thou and I are here, sad and alone; I say, why did I laugh? O mortal pain! O Darkness! Darkness! ever must I moan, To question Heaven and Hell and Heart in vain. Why did I laugh? I know this Being’s lease, My fancy to its...
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Down The Road, Not Across The Street
Self-pity has made me weak. My mind has crossed over from rational to the irrational. I don’t know how it happened. Sometimes life just feels like an obscure dream, all logic hobbled by emotion. I’ve been shouting so hard for somebody to hear me, whilst feeling sorry for myself. It seems life doesn’t work that way, friends don’t step in to lend comfort and support. Perhaps...
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Nine Inch Nails - Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)
Cardiac Chalk Outline
Never use your heart as a compass. You’ll end up lost. For me, following my heart is a bad idea. It seldom leads anywhere good and there’s never a happy ending. I believe in truth and passion but all it brings is hurt. I’m not a bad looking guy (not repulsive anyway) but my psyche is malformed and hideous. It swims beneath my skin - fighting and merging with my personality. A...
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Coda
There’s little in taking or giving, There’s little in water or wine; This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine. Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is The gain of the one at the top, For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop, And work is the province of cattle, And rest’s for a clam in a shell, So I’m thinking of throwing the...
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“They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.”
– Oscar Wilde
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Saint Valentine was beaten with clubs and stoned; when that failed to kill him, he was beheaded. I take great comfort in that.
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Rilo Kiley - Love And War (11/11/46)
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“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes...”
– Robert Frost
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The Kills - Nail In My Coffin
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Blindness
Our true hearts are forever lonely: A wistfulness is in our thought: Our lights are like the dawns which only Seem bright to us and yet are not. Something you see in me I wis not: Another heart in you I guess: A stranger’s lips—but thine I kiss not, Erring in all my tenderness. I sometimes think a mighty lover Takes every burning kiss we give: His lights are those which round us hover: For...
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Lies Are The New Truth
Last week was a total bust. All I wanted to do was relax and unwind but it wasn’t to be. My resolve fell apart and before long the sky was falling. Every cerebral function poisoned and mislead. At my appointment with Julie, I sat and cried. Each disclosure bringing more shame than relief. Does talking even help? By Wednesday I felt so far gone that consequence had no relevance. It was...
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Every day I feel less. Every day I care less. Running on empty. Zero. I need everything and nothing. Always and never.